Love, Death — A Short Story

Beau Van Dalen

16 min readMar 6, 2022

A story told in poems, about a girl who becomes death.

- Written for ESCAPRIL 2022.

1. when i opened my eyes

the air was cold

shivering legs

peppered in goosebumps

and leaves

a bird flew over the sky

in a forest full of rain

where eyes injected by glimmers of gold

were hidden in the light of day

i was born

[Content warning, this story ‘Love, Death’ will contain: death of multiple characters, body horror, general violence, childbirth/pregnancy, implied abuse, gore and other mature themes, it is intended for a mature audience only.]

2. a separation

on a liminal line

where dusk meets midnight

and dawn meets the sun

i shed off the blood from my arms

in a certain light

it looked like wine

but it did not taste

sweet

i let go of your hand

i was born

again

3. limbs

my limbs took me far across lands

branches from elderly trees scratched my skin

and my shins

as i ran

away from iridescent reflections

the blue in my eyes was turning grey

the cuts on my feet had soaked in dirt

a human sponge

that’s all i was

i learned of pain

yes, this was what it was like

to be born

again

4. strange behavior

i stopped at a crossing

dressed in rags and two old socks

a herd of cattle were chewing grass

drinking water

i sat down

by their sides

and i drank

in turn

from the river

and i

laughed

maybe, this was strange behavior

i am sure

that the ones

who passed me by

thought the same

but i didn’t care

i didn’t care

i was free

born

again

5. crush

when the stars rose in the sky

i wondered what it was like

to be you

with the mid of my palm held close to my chest

i wept for the man i never knew

and would never know

an exhale left my lips

my tears dried under bright, vivid constellations

it was okay

it was okay, to never know the truth

why you beat me, until i stood

no more

despite saying

you loved me

it was okay

because i was here

born again

alive

born again

for the eighth time this week

6. time (nonlinear)

i had a dream

where the days bled into each other

time rewinded

and my body was heavy as lead

and my bones light as dove feathers

the sky forever dripped, in a shade of dreaded peach

sliced by aquamarine missiles

i could not breathe

i could not sleep

the eyes had returned

all golden

judging

ephemeral beings

they began eating away at my hands

then, at my heart

i blinked

and there you were

ready to birth me

again

7. body swap

for a moment

i glimpsed

into

the horizon

and i had become

you

and everyone else

it was a thing of beauty

a thing I could never forget

for it was monstrous all the same

i realized

under forest trees tinged

by pine nectar

that we were all

the same

i awoke

got up

started walking

my thighs were aching

my back was crooked

i could not see

it was dark

still

despite the glow

scintillating

behind clouds

i shed my skin

draped it across the ground

finally, i cried

this time

it hurt

to be born

again

8. ______ as medicine

the ground scalded the soles of my feet

the months had worn my clothes down

until they were specks

insignificant dust

nothing of use

my head felt funny

thoughts jumbled into oblivion

i could barely remember

why i had gone on this journey

why was i here?

what was it like,

tell me

a world without pain

was there a remedy

to this cycle?

it had seemed easy

at first

to be without love

to let go

of the mundane

it was easy

to be born

yes

that,

it was

9. we’re not alone

i don’t think that we are alone

if we were

i would not see these faces in the bushes

these hands grabbing at mine from beneath the pebbles in the water

i don’t think that we are alone

if we were

there would be no warmth to feel when i embrace you

and no loss of warmth to mourn

when i lose you every morning

i don’t think that we are alone

if we were

we would not be here

giving birth to each other

over again

10. magnification

i observe you

my village boy

whose house i have invaded

ever since you found me in your barn

three moons ago

as you sleep

i blink

i wipe away the excess dust

that has fallen on your eyelash

from the attic’s window

crickets sing a lullaby for children

the past returns, a gut-churning call

i suddenly miss

who i was

yesterday

it was easier

when i didn’t have a soul

you are risking your life for me

i want to do the same

as i look at you up close

closer

i kiss your forehead

i whisper

good night

i love you

and i worry

about what the next birth

may bring

11. an odd number of…

eyes

they are not golden

when they meet me in my sleep

and when i reach for you

the bed is not empty for once

because

they have found you too

all over your skin

like an odd disease

they blink

spin and look around in circles

as if they have not taken you somewhere far

as if this is where they are supposed to be

why is there so much blood?

why is it always raining

on days like these?

please, do not follow me anymore,

i thought i had begged them enough

but they always want more

i bury you in the ocean

at a time where only ghosts listen

you said you always loved the sea

i hope it will love you back

as it births you again

i walk back, return into my cocoon

and realize then

i should not have been born

12. i think we’re lost

i think we are lost

you and i

what are we

but demons?

everywhere I go

you go

whatever I touch

you devour

will you never leave me again?

i only asked for life after death

that day in the forest

when I opened my eyes

it was not so much to do

for a being like you

yet

even on the apples i eat

the clothes i seek refuge in

the men that i love

eyes grow

and sprout

and spread

and i look at you

and you stare at me

and we see each other

in our peripheral reflections

i realize

that you are me

just as much

as i am you

we are each other

that is why

rebirth will not kill

the being that you are

I loathe it so

i loathe it so

was i wrong

to wish for this?

13. palmful

the ire i keep

stored in my heart

locked like a furnace

for you

is only a palmful

of what could be expressed

in ugly

human terms

walking abandoned corridors

late at night

stealing chicken eggs, in broad afternoon

there is no way to catch up to the rest of the world

when you are doomed to be apart

too different

too soon

perhaps i was wrong

in thinking

that we are not alone

we are surrounded

but

what does that even mean?

as i fall asleep

curled into my limbs

i wish

to be far from this place

from this curse

this poison

that i willingly swallowed myself

what a fool

what a fool i am

as midnight strikes

the future arrives

there is no other choice

but to go on

there is no other choice but

to be born

again

14. taxidermy

i travel to the ends of the world and back

the eyes seem to tire of me

there is nothing left to see

no corpses to haunt

no bonds to latch onto

i know it is a silly thought

to wonder if they will free me

yet

i cannot help

i’ve always been greedy

mom used to call it a sin

at night

i fall asleep

again

against grass stained by dew

i hear the wolves

but i’ve long let go of fear

that is,

until day breaks

and i am born

again

not as myself

but an eye

on a body

on the world

on the ground

in the Earth

it has absorbed me

yes

we are born again

15. something very gentle

i had never understood

what it was like

to take a life

it was unfair, that was that

in my eyes

yet, now that i am a part of this system

i see

why we do this

to the doe that is riddled with disease

to the infant who will not stop crying

after his lungs

have given out

to the lovers forbidden to love

we spare them

from being born together

again

they do not feel it

the taking of a soul

is something very gentle

the touch of a mother

the heat of a puff from a tiny sigh

a cry amidst

a long

winter’s night

until it is over

silent

filled with sorrow

something we loathe

yet yearn for all the same

in the ancient mist

i revel

until i am born

again

16. fire

someone sets fire to us

we cannot escape

bound to all the bodies

the decay

in this makeshift hospital

i can see into the future

thousands of years from now

there will be tall buildings with

the power

to heal

but

right now

we rely on witchcraft

and that is not enough

that is why

we are

dying

they hadn’t a choice

but to let their people go

we should not have latched on

to these poor souls

i wish we had been born

with the choice

to say no

i do not want to go

not like this

but it is warm

i have not felt anything

in years

i am glad

that we are dying this way

the flames envelop us

i believe that this will be the last time

that i close my eyes

these eyes

for good

perhaps

will i be spared?

will something birth me?

again?

please?

17. garden

the air smells of roses

i am in a garden

there are butterflies

spinning circles around my body

i am not an eye

nor a part of that system

anymore

i am young

youthful

with birch

chestnut hair

two legs and a set of arms

restored

to my body

my back is pressed to the ground

i do not understand

what has happened to me?

it is dark behind my eyelids

as i picture the end of the world

if i move

i fear that i may disappear

an armed brute grabs my elbow

rips me from the soil

is this what it is like

to be born again

for the hundredth time?

18. act of creation

i shout

for the obscured figure

to leave me

alone

it releases me at once

for reasons i cannot explain

i look

and i see it

it is a shadow

yet, it is here

standing before me

just like i am

on its own two

golden feet

in a realm where the dead come to lie

maybe

we are not so different after all

he reminds me of something

someone

his shoulders are shaped

like the ones of the man who took me in

years ago

when i was still naïve

when the world had yet

to create me

who i am today

does it matter

at the end?

who i was

yesterday

as long

as i keep

walking forward?

a body of water

is whispering secrets

for my ears only

there is a way out

and a way in

inside a way out

it tells me

the shadow holds out his hand

as if pleading

as if begging

…what a pitiful sight

atop grass that is much too perfect

i leave this heavenly plight

i do not pass the gates

where all the good ones reside

you have given me a choice

and i choose

always

to be born again

19. vanity

reborn

on tuesdays, i am your lover

over the long weekends, i am the divide between what you most cherish, your fears, and you

but, you do not know it

as i sit at the vanity of your late wife

i wonder if it was my fault

your loss

after all

when i was still just an eye bathed in gold

i could not see

whose life it was i took

i was like a zit

punctured into skin

it felt like being home

in a womb

again

yet

not quite

i think

that if you were to know

about

my ancient skin

who

i used to be

you would be

disgusted

without a doubt

so that is why

i keep myself a secret

that is why

i much prefer let you have the warmth

between my legs

over these unpardonable memories

living

inside my brains

yes

make love to me, darling

make love to me

and i will give birth

to something beautiful

again

20. trying to be good

day

i am the housewife i could have never been

back when i first passed

i clean your clothes

cook your meals

palm at your erection beneath dinner tables

cry on your shoulder

so that you feel wanted

and never bruised

i don’t know if this is happiness

but i am trying

to be good

for the sake

of being good

i kiss you every morning

let you have your way with me at night

this is the ordinary i wished for so dearly

yet, why does it feel this way? like a tapping in the night

a white bird pushes its beak up

against my window

i hush it

i shoo it away

and by the time the sun has risen

it is nowhere to be found

i do not tell my husband

he does not need to know

perhaps because the bird reminds me

of these feelings in my heart

growing

like this child grows inside me

but i am trying

to be good

i am trying

despite the mundane

it is not like i have a choice anymore

i will give birth again

and i will like it even

if i don’t

21. dew

you are inside me

your sweat rippling like dew against your skin

when you tell me

about the disappearances.

and in that moment

it feels like you are able

to see inside

my soul.

i grow fearful

my breaths are heavy like rocks

yet, not in the way they tend to be

when we are having fun

you notice

and you apologize

you are sorry

for scaring me

you should not tell

such horrid stories

when we are making love

whoever they are

they will pay,

you say

it is only a matter of time,

you say

but i am sorry, dearest husband

for it is me

i am the one

a murderer of comrades

for i control

the eyes of gold now

and if i do not

let them out

it means

that i let them

win

so i must

do these unjust things

it is for your safety

and

besides

it is not like

they will find

out

i am as old

as time itself

you will die

long before i do

as will our daughters

as will our fields and our cattle and our homes

i am only stopping by, here

a traveler amongst ruins-to-be

resting — yes

it is all i can do

before the end arrives

and i must take you, too

but before that, i writhe in pain

your little one wishes to see the world

like i had once yearned

to see the stars

help me tug her out

help me give birth

22. intimacy

we sit here

in candlelit darkness

i feed her milk

as you hold my hand

the room keeps

the scent of hay

the mud you dragged in with your boots yesterday

and the roses you gave me

on a birthday i’d forgotten

i have never felt

more at peace

and in this moment

my resolve wavers

i find myself thinking

that maybe

i should not go back

maybe, i should stop digging graves

in exchange for more life

you kiss me on the forehead

and you ask me,

what’s wrong

i place my head against your shoulder

i weep

it’s been a rough day

it is okay to tell you that

it isn’t a lie at all

and you don’t ask me why

you never do

i wonder

if you’ve ever doubted me

i guess, i’ll never know

because it starts to rain

storms brew

and when you glance down at our child

she is covered in eyes

i wonder if it happened

when i wished for a change in destinies

to be born again

as someone else

in another life

another place

in another’s arms

because i can’t do this anymore

please, please

let me be born again

i do not want this life

i was made

for so much more

23. blink and you’ll miss it

i visit the grave of my second lover, the village boy

i bury my daughter next to him

i do not bury my husband

i let him call me a witch

i let him blame me for the deaths

he is not wrong, after all

i let him hate me

it is all my fault

if i had never wished to live

this would have never happened

i travel for miles again

days

and centuries

i cannot say, what it is

that i am doing here

but

it isn’t like i can go back

i’ve no place to return to

these ancient buildings

my old homes

have all been replaced by skyscrapers

bright-lit screens

the future i had seen

after blinking once

thousands of moons ago

when i was born

again

24. crystal

isn’t it strange,

how it was love that killed me

yet

all i could look for

was love

after that?

why?

why are we built this way?

must we be

so fragile?

opaque

and blue

How many times

Must I be birthed

Until I get this

right?

25. computer

with all the knowledge of the world

at my fingertips

i begin to learn

and learn

i find cures

for illnesses

pollution

heat

and sorrows

but never for the lonely

i contribute great pieces of art

literature

and sculptures

all under different names

aliases

to the world

some people theorize

that i am one and the same

others say

it is ridiculous

how could i be me, when this was created

three hundred years ago?

every century

i fake my death

and change

my name

like a ritual

it is harder now

to hide and flee at dusk

back then

all i had to do

was run

at first

i felt guilt

but soon

i get used to it

it seems

distant

so ironically cruel

to pick out a coffin for yourself

when you have become

death herself

i suppose

it could be worse

it is a small lie

a minimal price to pay

they lower me into the ground

i suffocate

but i know, it is okay

there is never any true danger

i will pass out

and i will wake up some place else

that is how it always is

in this process of rebirth

26. night out

it is night out on a hillside

bells are ringing nearby as a couple is wed

i can sense it is time for one of them to go

but i don’t want to do it

not yet

i used to think it was gentle

a kindness

to take a life

instead of letting one suffer

but, who am i to choose?

i do not know any better

i am only very old

very tired

no matter how ancient my bones grow

my face will not age

my veins do not bleed

maybe, i should have joined that shadow

back then

i wonder, as i reach out to a sky full of stars

what was behind those gates?

would I have been happier?

would i still be stuck here, giving birth to chaos and myself

over

over again?

27. the astronaut

i decide to go to space when i have had enough of Earth

i think it is a good idea

i am used to being lonely

i am okay with the idea of a mission

in which you never look back

in five years

the ship explodes

i cannot breathe

my skin it burns

but i am still here

i close my eyes

it will pass

i am born again

28. only an illusion

reduced to a circlet of

eyes

there is nothing human left

of me

i know

because I can see

everything

there are multiple versions

of the being that i have become

spread throughout

every far corner

of the

galaxy

for once

i am content

this is more than anyone

will ever see

of the world

this is the greatness i was

born to achieve

i wait

in silence

silence

there is nothing here

for many

silence

many

silence

years

silence

until

silence

one day

it happens.

29. inversion

the universe begs for its demise

it knows

the end is nigh for

this feeling is like none other than before

it is what i have been waiting for

it calls

it calls,

to be set free

all my life

i wandered

only to end up

here

i am happy

to see it end

here

to give birth

one last time

30. it’s getting dark

— . — — — — -.. / -… -. — .

.. / . — .. .-.. .-.. / … . . / -. — — — ..- / . — …. . -.

. — . / .- .-. . / -… — — .-. -. / .- — . .- .. -.

*good bye

i will see you

when we are born again

About The Author: Author of over 20+ web-serials & novels, published by Tapas.io, recent addition to the Wattpad Stars program, and Winner of Tapas’s 2018 Summer Writing Competition, Beau Van Dalen’s stories have amassed a total of over one million reads online — between short stories, poems, novels and scripts, he can always be found with a pen in hand.

Follow The Author: Official Website | Twitter | Patreon | Newsletter

Love, Death — A Short Story

1. when i opened my eyes

2. a separation

3. limbs

4. strange behavior

5. crush

6. time (nonlinear)

7. body swap

8. ______ as medicine

9. we’re not alone

10. magnification

11. an odd number of…

12. i think we’re lost

13. palmful

14. taxidermy

15. something very gentle

16. fire

17. garden

18. act of creation

19. vanity

20. trying to be good

21. dew

22. intimacy

23. blink and you’ll miss it

24. crystal

25. computer

26. night out

27. the astronaut

28. only an illusion

29. inversion

30. it’s getting dark

Written by Beau Van Dalen